Me?! Insecure? No way! At least that's what I thought. Pride has a way of working in our lives in many different forms. Some are obvious - thinking we are "all that", putting down others, and the like. And that was me growing up. What I realized later in life is that my pride was covering up a lot of insecurities. We all have insecurities, but some just handle it better than others. I will tell you, if you have insecurities as a young woman, deal with them NOW. When you hit 45-50, and they are not dealt with, they are magnified to a level that is deep. Very deep. And you will drown in them if you do not deal with them. I did. And now I am trying to get my head above water. I can breathe now but every now and then I start to go under again.
I always thought I had it all together. Until I was 30 and still single. What had I done wrong to not be married by now?! The enemy loved to remind me of any and every failure in my life. So I started stuffing those thoughts down deep inside me. When they came up I refused to listen and made myself busy to help forget them. Do you know what happens when you stuff things down and don't deal with them? They eventually come out. And it's not pretty.
The popular song, Let It Go, from the movie Frozen may have more spiritual significance than Disney intended it to. While I would like
to think I do not struggle with the things mentioned above, I do. And it seems I let it
happen for a while before I truly realize it's happening. After all, I
am a "good Christian". How do I know when it's happening? I become short-fused, get my feelings hurt
easily, I'm jealous and quick to criticize. I hate it when I do these things. I
really do. They are ugly and hurtful to others. The Bible says that a
root of bitterness can form in your heart and when it does we give the
enemy a foothold in our lives. Spiritual warfare is nothing to play
around with. It is real and it can cause some very serious problems for
all of us. We must be aware of the enemies tactics. Remember, he
comes to steal, kill, and destroy. We need to learn to "let it go". Let go of the hurt feelings. Let go of the jealously. Let go of the bitterness. And on and on... Because these develop a root in our lives and the overflow is what comes out of our lives.
How do we let it go? We die. We die daily. To ourselves, our flesh. We lay our lives on the alter and crucify our flesh - those selfish desires to have things our way. Sometimes I have to do it more than once. Maybe even several times a day. But the more we die, the easier it gets the next time. The more we give in to the flesh, the easier that becomes next time. Honestly, sometimes this is really hard for me. Especially when I'm going through something difficult. Then I blame my moodiness on stress, or whatever it is that is bothering me. For a while now I have been blaming it on menopause :) And I think that is a GREAT excuse! After all, I cannot even control that! But I can control how I react to it. It's hard. Very hard. At times I feel like I do not even know myself.
I really thought I was losing my mind until I started reading Beth Moore's book "So Long Insecurity". As I read it, it almost seems as if she is stalking me because she seems to be writing about me! It helps to know others experience or have experienced what I am going through, but it is still hard. I have cried through most of the book. Realizing how insecure I really am and have been for a long time. There are some life events that have contributed to it and then my own stubborn pride doesn't help. But I am waging war. I am ready for freedom and to let it go! Funny thing is, I would have not guessed that the reason I was struggling so much was because of my insecurities. These last two years have been so very difficult, but I am so excited to know there is hope.
I have had people (even my husband) say "What do you have to be insecure about?!" Well, in her book, Beth says there are a lot of things that can contribute to our insecurities (we all have them). And I have had most of those things in my life. If you have ever thought or said, "What do you have to be insecure about? You're so pretty. Or you're have a wonderful family. Or perfect kids.", that is your insecurity. Maybe your husband doesn't love you like you want or feel you need to be loved (and your friend seems to have the perfect husband). Maybe you never have enough money, or you want a bigger house. If we let them, these things can make us feel insecure. When we put our hope in things and not God. And the enemy loves to feed us lies about these things, "you deserve a better..." We can fill in the blank with just about anything. Over time, the lies overwhelm us and start to control us. But they don't have to!! God wants us to find our security in Him. That sounds so easy but when you get to the point I was, you need a little help. And Beth's book has been a wonderful tool to point me in the right direction.
One of the first things she does in leading us to healing is point us to Proverbs 31:25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity..." Because our dignity is what we lose with insecurity. "How could I be so stupid? How could I have let that happen again? Why did I say that?!" And on it goes. I pondered this verse for a while and began to pray that God would show me that I am clothed with His dignity. Beth went on to explain what dignity means and helped me see that I do have dignity. Pride is dignity's counterfeit. Thus, when we lose our dignity we become prideful - to cover up for our loss. It really seems silly to me, but it describes me well. To possess dignity is to be worthy of respect. Something I did not feel I was worthy of. But I am on the road to healing and it is SO awesome!! Obviously, I highly recommend this book. My discipleship group and I are going through it together. And I am so looking forward to healing. So I am reminding myself, a lot, that I am clothed with dignity. And God gives me peace. Because He wants me to be secure.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
What's Up with All the Rules?!
I like to makes lists so I can check them off. It makes me feel organized and gives me a sense of accomplishment. And, if I go to the grocery store without a list I will end up with a lot of things that weren't on my list and maybe a few things that were. But sometimes a list can be not so good. When I was growing up it I lived in a very legalistic atmosphere. Do this to be a good Christian. Don't do that. Those of you who grew up in a Baptist church, remember our tithe envelopes that had the little boxes you checked? Read bible, tithed, etc. I would freak out if I could not check every box and I may or may not have lied some weeks. I understand they were trying to encourage us to do those things but it somehow made me feel like I was less of a Christian if I didn't. We also had to dress a certain way for church. You know, pretty dresses for the girls and women and ties for the men and boys (not to mention the hats on Easter Sunday!). One of my favorites: no white shoes after Labor Day until Easter Sunday. And you always acted like things were great...whether they were or not. That's how I learned to mask so well (see first post). I also learned to act very well. I could be dying inside, but if anyone asked, things were wonderful and I told them so with a big smile on my face.
How did we get there? Who made those rules up? I think when you just know about God and don't truly know Him, it's easy to be legalistic. When you don't spend time in the Word, it's easy to be legalistic. We start adding to the Word, like the Pharisees did. Where in the Bible does it say you can't wear jeans to church or that you have to wear a tie? At one time in my life I even made a list of all the things I couldn't do and all the things I could, or should, do. I figured if I did all the things I was supposed to do and didn't do the things I wasn't supposed to do, God would bless me. You can imagine then, how I felt when I was still single at 30. I would think, "I must not be married because of all the sin in my life." I knew all the Bible stories and could tell them to you. And I worked in the nursery and taught Sunday School...because I was a "good Christian". And everyone thought I was a good Christian. But no one knew what was really going on in my life and heart. Because I hid it. And hid it well. I knew ABOUT God, but I didn't really know Him. Tragic.
When you only know about God and don't truly know Him, it's easy to judge others and point out other people's sins. I think somehow we think if we point out their sin, maybe no one will notice ours. In reality, it makes us look immature and petty. Who wants to listen to someone criticize others all the time? That was me. I was so afraid someone would see what was going on inside of me so I pointed out what other people were doing wrong and how I would never do that. Funny how I would notice in others the things I did not like about myself. This is a horrible way to live. And trying to keep all the rules is exhausting! One night I went to Kent crying and said,"I can't do this anymore! I can't be a good Christian. It's too hard. But I don't know what else to do! It's all I've ever known." As I was talking to him I realized, I'm not supposed to do it on my own. I can't live the Christian life on my own. That's why it was so hard. And that's why Jesus came to save us. And to live through us because we CAN'T do it ourselves. That is what He was trying to show the Israelites in the Old Testament. You can't keep all the rules. You MUST depend on Him. The Israelites did not learn this. In fact, the Jews in the New Testament added more and more rules so that it became almost impossible to do anything without sinning. And how in the world did they remember all those rules?! It makes my head spin just thinking about it.
Several years ago I read the book, "Breaking the Bondage of Legalism" by Neil Anderson, Rich Miller, and Paul Travis.. It was life-changing! I highly recommend it if you even think you might struggle with legalism. It took a while for me to start living in the freedom Christ came to give me, but I finally made it. Now I know Him, not just about Him. And you know what, I have missed church a few times (shocker!!). I've also worn jeans to church. On a Sunday morning even! Notice the verse under "About Me". It says to no longer be burdened by a yoke of slavery. The yoke of legalism is very heavy. It will weigh you down. And that's exactly where the enemy wants us. He wants us to be good people so we will think we don't need Jesus. Jesus died for the good people too. He is the ONLY way to God. If we could be good enough to get into heaven on our own, then Jesus would not have had to die a brutal death on the cross. God knew we would need to be saved, because we cannot save ourselves, so He sent Jesus, His perfect, sinless son to save us. Our sin separates us from God, because He is holy. Jesus brings us to God because He is sinless. Not only that, Jesus wants to live through us so that the world will know Him. When I am judging others, I am not showing them Jesus. I'm actually making Jesus look bad.
Here are a couple of quotes from the book, "The Christian life is not, and never has been, a human effort to obey God's commands in the Bible. That is a very popular form of legalism - a performance-based Christianity that opposes the truth that apart from Christ we can do 'nothing'." "For most believers, apparently, the Christian life is much more about doing than being. For them this involves a striving to avoid sin and do more right than pursuing an intimate, personal relationship with God." I highly recommend this book! I go back to it often.
This whole legalism thing starts with pride, as do most sins. We think so highly of ourselves that we don't need God. After all, if I'm a good person, why would I need Him? So we start relying on ourselves. We must realize we cannot do it ourselves!!! I'm talking to myself as much as anyone. I still struggle with this. And that's why I get stressed and start having physical problems because of the stress. Because we were never designed nor expected to keep God's commands on our own. Nor were we ever told in God's Word that strict adherence to law is God's way of making man righteous. It has always been and always will be by faith. I'm learning this. And it's a daily thing. And I still go back to trying to do it myself (my mom always told me that those were my first words :)) But, thankfully, God is patient with me. So let's learn to live in this freedom. It is SO refreshing! And to walk by faith. It's so freeing! I'll leave you with a quote from Amy Carmichael, a missionary to India (I recommend ANY of her books), "Humility is not thinking less of yourselves. It is not thinking of yourself at all."
Another book that I recommend along with "Breaking the Bondage of Legalism" is "Reclaiming Surrendered Ground" by Jim Logan. It's about breaking strongholds in our lives.
How did we get there? Who made those rules up? I think when you just know about God and don't truly know Him, it's easy to be legalistic. When you don't spend time in the Word, it's easy to be legalistic. We start adding to the Word, like the Pharisees did. Where in the Bible does it say you can't wear jeans to church or that you have to wear a tie? At one time in my life I even made a list of all the things I couldn't do and all the things I could, or should, do. I figured if I did all the things I was supposed to do and didn't do the things I wasn't supposed to do, God would bless me. You can imagine then, how I felt when I was still single at 30. I would think, "I must not be married because of all the sin in my life." I knew all the Bible stories and could tell them to you. And I worked in the nursery and taught Sunday School...because I was a "good Christian". And everyone thought I was a good Christian. But no one knew what was really going on in my life and heart. Because I hid it. And hid it well. I knew ABOUT God, but I didn't really know Him. Tragic.
When you only know about God and don't truly know Him, it's easy to judge others and point out other people's sins. I think somehow we think if we point out their sin, maybe no one will notice ours. In reality, it makes us look immature and petty. Who wants to listen to someone criticize others all the time? That was me. I was so afraid someone would see what was going on inside of me so I pointed out what other people were doing wrong and how I would never do that. Funny how I would notice in others the things I did not like about myself. This is a horrible way to live. And trying to keep all the rules is exhausting! One night I went to Kent crying and said,"I can't do this anymore! I can't be a good Christian. It's too hard. But I don't know what else to do! It's all I've ever known." As I was talking to him I realized, I'm not supposed to do it on my own. I can't live the Christian life on my own. That's why it was so hard. And that's why Jesus came to save us. And to live through us because we CAN'T do it ourselves. That is what He was trying to show the Israelites in the Old Testament. You can't keep all the rules. You MUST depend on Him. The Israelites did not learn this. In fact, the Jews in the New Testament added more and more rules so that it became almost impossible to do anything without sinning. And how in the world did they remember all those rules?! It makes my head spin just thinking about it.
Several years ago I read the book, "Breaking the Bondage of Legalism" by Neil Anderson, Rich Miller, and Paul Travis.. It was life-changing! I highly recommend it if you even think you might struggle with legalism. It took a while for me to start living in the freedom Christ came to give me, but I finally made it. Now I know Him, not just about Him. And you know what, I have missed church a few times (shocker!!). I've also worn jeans to church. On a Sunday morning even! Notice the verse under "About Me". It says to no longer be burdened by a yoke of slavery. The yoke of legalism is very heavy. It will weigh you down. And that's exactly where the enemy wants us. He wants us to be good people so we will think we don't need Jesus. Jesus died for the good people too. He is the ONLY way to God. If we could be good enough to get into heaven on our own, then Jesus would not have had to die a brutal death on the cross. God knew we would need to be saved, because we cannot save ourselves, so He sent Jesus, His perfect, sinless son to save us. Our sin separates us from God, because He is holy. Jesus brings us to God because He is sinless. Not only that, Jesus wants to live through us so that the world will know Him. When I am judging others, I am not showing them Jesus. I'm actually making Jesus look bad.
Here are a couple of quotes from the book, "The Christian life is not, and never has been, a human effort to obey God's commands in the Bible. That is a very popular form of legalism - a performance-based Christianity that opposes the truth that apart from Christ we can do 'nothing'." "For most believers, apparently, the Christian life is much more about doing than being. For them this involves a striving to avoid sin and do more right than pursuing an intimate, personal relationship with God." I highly recommend this book! I go back to it often.
This whole legalism thing starts with pride, as do most sins. We think so highly of ourselves that we don't need God. After all, if I'm a good person, why would I need Him? So we start relying on ourselves. We must realize we cannot do it ourselves!!! I'm talking to myself as much as anyone. I still struggle with this. And that's why I get stressed and start having physical problems because of the stress. Because we were never designed nor expected to keep God's commands on our own. Nor were we ever told in God's Word that strict adherence to law is God's way of making man righteous. It has always been and always will be by faith. I'm learning this. And it's a daily thing. And I still go back to trying to do it myself (my mom always told me that those were my first words :)) But, thankfully, God is patient with me. So let's learn to live in this freedom. It is SO refreshing! And to walk by faith. It's so freeing! I'll leave you with a quote from Amy Carmichael, a missionary to India (I recommend ANY of her books), "Humility is not thinking less of yourselves. It is not thinking of yourself at all."
Another book that I recommend along with "Breaking the Bondage of Legalism" is "Reclaiming Surrendered Ground" by Jim Logan. It's about breaking strongholds in our lives.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
My One and Only
Twenty years ago today, April 3, 1994, I met Kent Mathis, so I thought today I would dedicate my post to him. That's it. I just met him that day. A mutual friend introduced us (I think they were actually on a date). The only reason I know the date is because it was Easter Sunday. Neither of us had any idea we would ever marry each other (well, he might have). The next month I started dating another guy (I may never share that story). After almost two years of me getting my heart broken by a couple of guys, Kent and I started dating. He had been "testing the waters" for a while. As he likes to put it, "Sometimes they were warm, but sometimes they were ice cold." You see, Kent was not like any guy I had ever dated. I tended to date guys like me - outgoing, fun,etc. Kent is very quiet. I would not go out with him because I thought he would not be any fun, but he IS!!! He is the most kind, gentle, humble man I know. That is actually what attracted me to him because I had definitely not dated many guys like that before. He would ask me to lunch and we hung out in the same group of people in our Singles ministry. We got to know each other that way. Thankfully, he never gave up and was persistent. I told my friends I was not attracted to him. One friend said, "You need to pray for the attraction because he is a great guy." Two different friends, who did not even know each other, told me I should go out with him. The final straw was when my mom said she really liked him (she met him at a basketball game). I finally said, "OK, God. I'll go out with him." So we started dating. We cannot remember our actual first date because we had gone to lunch several times and gone to Singles events together. But that's not important. We know it was sometime in March of 1996. We had been dating a few weeks and I was whining about something (no telling what it was) and he said to me, "You are trying to manipulate me and that's not going to happen." I was stunned! How dare he! But actually, it made me respect him. It had worked so many other times with guys, but not with him. In fact, I still can't manipulate Kent Mathis!
Let me insert here and say, for those who may not know, at the time we met, Kent was a student at Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary and an intern at Bellevue Baptist Church. I was actually unemployed (I had lost my job) at the time we met. A couple of months later I got a job at Bellevue in the Preschool Ministry.
We had been dating a few months and he came to get me to go to lunch and said, "I reserved the chapel for October 5th." I said, "What for?" And he said, "For us." This was HUGE!! I needed a guy who knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to let me know. You see, I had dated a guy in the past for several years and he could not decide if we should get married. After I "manipulated" him into getting engaged, 3 days before the wedding he called it off. Now, before you go crazy about that, let me tell you we are fine. Was it hard? Absolutely! I was humiliated and embarrassed to say the least. But, I do remember when I talked to God about it, he said, "Just trust me." I told Him I had trusted Him and look where it got me! I questioned Him, got mad at Him, and struggled with trusting Him. But He was so patient with me. I learned it wasn't Him I couldn't trust, it was ME. I wanted to get married so bad I tried to make every guy be "the one". I am thankful to say that in about 18 months, my relationship with that guy was restored (just friendship though). In fact, after Kent and I had been married a few years that guy started coming to our church and Kent and him became great friends! So, the fact that Kent KNEW he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me was very important. I, on the other hand, still did not trust myself. I had fallen for so many guys (another post) that I was done. I had a huge wall around my heart that I was not about to let just anyone in. Thankfully, God showed me that Kent was, in fact, who He had for me.
Kent proposed to me on July 4th, 1996. We had flown to Georgia, where he is from, to spend the 4th of July with his family and for me to meet them. I had no idea he had a plan :) His family has a big celebration on the 4th at his sister's house. We had been swimming and eating and celebrating. He had gathered everyone around the pool and I was sitting in a chair and he got down on his knee and proposed. He even had his brother-in-law video it. It was very sweet. I, of course, said yes! We were married September 28, 1996 (October 5th didn't work out). It has been an awesome journey. We've had some trials and some heartaches and some great joys. There is no one I would rather do life with. I think he is the most awesome person...ever! I hope that all of you feel that way about your spouse. Because, you should. There is NO ONE I respect more than Kent either. I have seen God do some amazing things with and through Kent. And if you knew where he came from, well, you would understand. I cannot tell you how much I love this man (I'm tearing up as I type)! I've seen him mistreated...and he didn't ever say a negative thing about the people mistreating him. He never says anything negative about anyone. When people found out I was engaged to Kent they all (bar none) said, "He is such an awesome guy!" I do not know what people said to him when they found out he was engaged to me, but that is what they said to me :) And he is. I cannot say enough good things about him.
Kent and I are SO different! He's pretty laid back and I get excited about almost anything. I guess that's why we work so good together :) You know, opposites attract. God has definitely stretched both of us in many ways. It's funny how what I thought I wanted/needed in a guy was really way off from the truth. Kent is exactly what I needed!! This journey has not always been easy but it has been oh so rewarding! There is no one I would rather do life with than Kent. He completes me. And, actually, he needed me. He does not have nearly enough words so I help him out with that :)
I'd like to recommend a few books here. I love to read, so I will be recommending a lot of books. My all-time favorite book on marriage is "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. In fact, I recommend anything by Gary Thomas, one of my favorite authors. Wives also need to read "Sacred Influence" by him. "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn and "For Men Only" by her husband are also good reads. And, of course, "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich.
Let me insert here and say, for those who may not know, at the time we met, Kent was a student at Mid-America Baptist Theological Seminary and an intern at Bellevue Baptist Church. I was actually unemployed (I had lost my job) at the time we met. A couple of months later I got a job at Bellevue in the Preschool Ministry.
We had been dating a few months and he came to get me to go to lunch and said, "I reserved the chapel for October 5th." I said, "What for?" And he said, "For us." This was HUGE!! I needed a guy who knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to let me know. You see, I had dated a guy in the past for several years and he could not decide if we should get married. After I "manipulated" him into getting engaged, 3 days before the wedding he called it off. Now, before you go crazy about that, let me tell you we are fine. Was it hard? Absolutely! I was humiliated and embarrassed to say the least. But, I do remember when I talked to God about it, he said, "Just trust me." I told Him I had trusted Him and look where it got me! I questioned Him, got mad at Him, and struggled with trusting Him. But He was so patient with me. I learned it wasn't Him I couldn't trust, it was ME. I wanted to get married so bad I tried to make every guy be "the one". I am thankful to say that in about 18 months, my relationship with that guy was restored (just friendship though). In fact, after Kent and I had been married a few years that guy started coming to our church and Kent and him became great friends! So, the fact that Kent KNEW he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me was very important. I, on the other hand, still did not trust myself. I had fallen for so many guys (another post) that I was done. I had a huge wall around my heart that I was not about to let just anyone in. Thankfully, God showed me that Kent was, in fact, who He had for me.
Kent proposed to me on July 4th, 1996. We had flown to Georgia, where he is from, to spend the 4th of July with his family and for me to meet them. I had no idea he had a plan :) His family has a big celebration on the 4th at his sister's house. We had been swimming and eating and celebrating. He had gathered everyone around the pool and I was sitting in a chair and he got down on his knee and proposed. He even had his brother-in-law video it. It was very sweet. I, of course, said yes! We were married September 28, 1996 (October 5th didn't work out). It has been an awesome journey. We've had some trials and some heartaches and some great joys. There is no one I would rather do life with. I think he is the most awesome person...ever! I hope that all of you feel that way about your spouse. Because, you should. There is NO ONE I respect more than Kent either. I have seen God do some amazing things with and through Kent. And if you knew where he came from, well, you would understand. I cannot tell you how much I love this man (I'm tearing up as I type)! I've seen him mistreated...and he didn't ever say a negative thing about the people mistreating him. He never says anything negative about anyone. When people found out I was engaged to Kent they all (bar none) said, "He is such an awesome guy!" I do not know what people said to him when they found out he was engaged to me, but that is what they said to me :) And he is. I cannot say enough good things about him.
Kent and I are SO different! He's pretty laid back and I get excited about almost anything. I guess that's why we work so good together :) You know, opposites attract. God has definitely stretched both of us in many ways. It's funny how what I thought I wanted/needed in a guy was really way off from the truth. Kent is exactly what I needed!! This journey has not always been easy but it has been oh so rewarding! There is no one I would rather do life with than Kent. He completes me. And, actually, he needed me. He does not have nearly enough words so I help him out with that :)
I'd like to recommend a few books here. I love to read, so I will be recommending a lot of books. My all-time favorite book on marriage is "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. In fact, I recommend anything by Gary Thomas, one of my favorite authors. Wives also need to read "Sacred Influence" by him. "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn and "For Men Only" by her husband are also good reads. And, of course, "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Take me to the King
Yesterday a group of college singers came to our church and sang a song entitled "Take Me to the King". Below are the lyrics:
"Take Me To The King"
[Chorus:]
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart is torn in pieces
It's my offering
Take me to the King
[Verse 1:]
Truth is I'm tired
Options are few
I'm trying to pray
But where are you?
I'm all churched out
Hurt and abused
I can't fake
What's left to do?
Truth is I'm weak
No strength to fly
No tears to cry
Even if I tried
But still my soul
Refuses to die
One touch will change my life
[Chorus:]
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn in pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Please take me to the King
[Verse 2:]
Truth is it's time
To stop playing these games
We need a word
For the people's pain
So Lord speak right now
Let it fall like rain
Oh, yeah, we're desperate
We're chasing after you
[Bridge:]
No rules, no religion
I've made my decision
To run to You –
The healer that I need
[Chorus:]
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And to sing to You this song
Take me to the...
Lord we're in the way
We keep making mistakes
Glory is not for us
It's all for You
[Chorus:]
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Take me to the King [3x]
I LOVE this song. It speaks so much of what I feel at times. Sometimes in my life, it seems my prayer time becomes routine. I feel I have nothing to bring to Jesus and don't even know what to say. But I know He is always there. Why do I make it so difficult sometimes? He wants all of me, nothing less. But, I hold back. Unknowingly at times, but nonetheless I hold back. I start to believe those lies from the enemy. You know the ones, "You will never be good enough." "God can't use you. You have done to many bad things." "Why do you think you can disciple anyone else? You're life is a mess." "You're just faking it." And so on and so on. The Bible says the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. He knows where we are weak and that is where he attacks. And we start believing those lies, aka "fiery darts" he throws at us. I have learned that sometimes I have to say out loud, "Satan! Get away!" Then I start throwing the Scripture at him. He does not like Scripture. And that is our best defense. And to go to the King. Lay down at His throne and give Him everything. Our joy, our pain, everything. He wants to take the burden from us. But we have to give it to Him.
The other night I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep. I started thinking about my journey over the last several years and how I finally let God start doing the work He wanted to do in my life (another post, coming soon). How He started chiseling away the very thick walls of my people pleasing, approval seeking good works. Walls I had built out of fear. Fear of people knowing the real me, someone I didn't even know, but was sure others would not like. I had masked for so long I didn't even know who was under the mask and behind the walls. But it was the only life I knew. I only knew how to pretend to be someone who was spiritual and a "good Christian". When the walls started breaking down and the mask coming off, it was scary. I realized this would not be easy. I would have to trust God, something I thought I was doing but really had no idea how to do. At first I was kind of numb, just trying to not "lose it" in front of anybody. But finally, when He got through all the junk, there I was. A heart that truly wanted to know Him. Not about Him or about His Word, but HIM. And when He found me, I found Him. And oh the freedom!!! Now I don't have to pretend to be somebody. I can be me!! Sure, there are still battles but I go to Him instead of trying to cover it up and be someone I am not. It's not always easy, as you know, but oh so worth it!! My life of living behind a wall is over. It can be painful though, because I actually experience things instead of running from them. And sometimes it's not fun (I prefer fun). Sometimes I go back to faking it because I don't want anyone to know I'm hurting or struggling with something. But when I get my eyes off me and on Him and others, I start to see His plan and trust Him more. The enemy wants more than anything for us to be self-absorbed and stay in a pity party (yet another post for another day). But, if we are believers, we have the victory in Christ already!! And he wants us to stand in that victory. So let's do that. Take our eyes off of ourselves and look to Him. Take me to the King!
"Take Me To The King"
[Chorus:]
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart is torn in pieces
It's my offering
Take me to the King
[Verse 1:]
Truth is I'm tired
Options are few
I'm trying to pray
But where are you?
I'm all churched out
Hurt and abused
I can't fake
What's left to do?
Truth is I'm weak
No strength to fly
No tears to cry
Even if I tried
But still my soul
Refuses to die
One touch will change my life
[Chorus:]
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn in pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Please take me to the King
[Verse 2:]
Truth is it's time
To stop playing these games
We need a word
For the people's pain
So Lord speak right now
Let it fall like rain
Oh, yeah, we're desperate
We're chasing after you
[Bridge:]
No rules, no religion
I've made my decision
To run to You –
The healer that I need
[Chorus:]
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And to sing to You this song
Take me to the...
Lord we're in the way
We keep making mistakes
Glory is not for us
It's all for You
[Chorus:]
Take me to the King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering
Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Take me to the King [3x]
I LOVE this song. It speaks so much of what I feel at times. Sometimes in my life, it seems my prayer time becomes routine. I feel I have nothing to bring to Jesus and don't even know what to say. But I know He is always there. Why do I make it so difficult sometimes? He wants all of me, nothing less. But, I hold back. Unknowingly at times, but nonetheless I hold back. I start to believe those lies from the enemy. You know the ones, "You will never be good enough." "God can't use you. You have done to many bad things." "Why do you think you can disciple anyone else? You're life is a mess." "You're just faking it." And so on and so on. The Bible says the devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. He knows where we are weak and that is where he attacks. And we start believing those lies, aka "fiery darts" he throws at us. I have learned that sometimes I have to say out loud, "Satan! Get away!" Then I start throwing the Scripture at him. He does not like Scripture. And that is our best defense. And to go to the King. Lay down at His throne and give Him everything. Our joy, our pain, everything. He wants to take the burden from us. But we have to give it to Him.
The other night I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep. I started thinking about my journey over the last several years and how I finally let God start doing the work He wanted to do in my life (another post, coming soon). How He started chiseling away the very thick walls of my people pleasing, approval seeking good works. Walls I had built out of fear. Fear of people knowing the real me, someone I didn't even know, but was sure others would not like. I had masked for so long I didn't even know who was under the mask and behind the walls. But it was the only life I knew. I only knew how to pretend to be someone who was spiritual and a "good Christian". When the walls started breaking down and the mask coming off, it was scary. I realized this would not be easy. I would have to trust God, something I thought I was doing but really had no idea how to do. At first I was kind of numb, just trying to not "lose it" in front of anybody. But finally, when He got through all the junk, there I was. A heart that truly wanted to know Him. Not about Him or about His Word, but HIM. And when He found me, I found Him. And oh the freedom!!! Now I don't have to pretend to be somebody. I can be me!! Sure, there are still battles but I go to Him instead of trying to cover it up and be someone I am not. It's not always easy, as you know, but oh so worth it!! My life of living behind a wall is over. It can be painful though, because I actually experience things instead of running from them. And sometimes it's not fun (I prefer fun). Sometimes I go back to faking it because I don't want anyone to know I'm hurting or struggling with something. But when I get my eyes off me and on Him and others, I start to see His plan and trust Him more. The enemy wants more than anything for us to be self-absorbed and stay in a pity party (yet another post for another day). But, if we are believers, we have the victory in Christ already!! And he wants us to stand in that victory. So let's do that. Take our eyes off of ourselves and look to Him. Take me to the King!
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