Me?! Insecure? No way! At least that's what I thought. Pride has a way of working in our lives in many different forms. Some are obvious - thinking we are "all that", putting down others, and the like. And that was me growing up. What I realized later in life is that my pride was covering up a lot of insecurities. We all have insecurities, but some just handle it better than others. I will tell you, if you have insecurities as a young woman, deal with them NOW. When you hit 45-50, and they are not dealt with, they are magnified to a level that is deep. Very deep. And you will drown in them if you do not deal with them. I did. And now I am trying to get my head above water. I can breathe now but every now and then I start to go under again.
I always thought I had it all together. Until I was 30 and still single. What had I done wrong to not be married by now?! The enemy loved to remind me of any and every failure in my life. So I started stuffing those thoughts down deep inside me. When they came up I refused to listen and made myself busy to help forget them. Do you know what happens when you stuff things down and don't deal with them? They eventually come out. And it's not pretty.
The popular song, Let It Go, from the movie Frozen may have more spiritual significance than Disney intended it to. While I would like
to think I do not struggle with the things mentioned above, I do. And it seems I let it
happen for a while before I truly realize it's happening. After all, I
am a "good Christian". How do I know when it's happening? I become short-fused, get my feelings hurt
easily, I'm jealous and quick to criticize. I hate it when I do these things. I
really do. They are ugly and hurtful to others. The Bible says that a
root of bitterness can form in your heart and when it does we give the
enemy a foothold in our lives. Spiritual warfare is nothing to play
around with. It is real and it can cause some very serious problems for
all of us. We must be aware of the enemies tactics. Remember, he
comes to steal, kill, and destroy. We need to learn to "let it go". Let go of the hurt feelings. Let go of the jealously. Let go of the bitterness. And on and on... Because these develop a root in our lives and the overflow is what comes out of our lives.
How do we let it go? We die. We die daily. To ourselves, our flesh. We lay our lives on the alter and crucify our flesh - those selfish desires to have things our way. Sometimes I have to do it more than once. Maybe even several times a day. But the more we die, the easier it gets the next time. The more we give in to the flesh, the easier that becomes next time. Honestly, sometimes this is really hard for me. Especially when I'm going through something difficult. Then I blame my moodiness on stress, or whatever it is that is bothering me. For a while now I have been blaming it on menopause :) And I think that is a GREAT excuse! After all, I cannot even control that! But I can control how I react to it. It's hard. Very hard. At times I feel like I do not even know myself.
I really thought I was losing my mind until I started reading Beth Moore's book "So Long Insecurity". As I read it, it almost seems as if she is stalking me because she seems to be writing about me! It helps to know others experience or have experienced what I am going through, but it is still hard. I have cried through most of the book. Realizing how insecure I really am and have been for a long time. There are some life events that have contributed to it and then my own stubborn pride doesn't help. But I am waging war. I am ready for freedom and to let it go! Funny thing is, I would have not guessed that the reason I was struggling so much was because of my insecurities. These last two years have been so very difficult, but I am so excited to know there is hope.
I have had people (even my husband) say "What do you have to be insecure about?!" Well, in her book, Beth says there are a lot of things that can contribute to our insecurities (we all have them). And I have had most of those things in my life. If you have ever thought or said, "What do you have to be insecure about? You're so pretty. Or you're have a wonderful family. Or perfect kids.", that is your insecurity. Maybe your husband doesn't love you like you want or feel you need to be loved (and your friend seems to have the perfect husband). Maybe you never have enough money, or you want a bigger house. If we let them, these things can make us feel insecure. When we put our hope in things and not God. And the enemy loves to feed us lies about these things, "you deserve a better..." We can fill in the blank with just about anything. Over time, the lies overwhelm us and start to control us. But they don't have to!! God wants us to find our security in Him. That sounds so easy but when you get to the point I was, you need a little help. And Beth's book has been a wonderful tool to point me in the right direction.
One of the first things she does in leading us to healing is point us to Proverbs 31:25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity..." Because our dignity is what we lose with insecurity. "How could I be so stupid? How could I have let that happen again? Why did I say that?!" And on it goes. I pondered this verse for a while and began to pray that God would show me that I am clothed with His dignity. Beth went on to explain what dignity means and helped me see that I do have dignity. Pride is dignity's counterfeit. Thus, when we lose our dignity we become prideful - to cover up for our loss. It really seems silly to me, but it describes me well. To possess dignity is to be worthy of respect. Something I did not feel I was worthy of. But I am on the road to healing and it is SO awesome!! Obviously, I highly recommend this book. My discipleship group and I are going through it together. And I am so looking forward to healing. So I am reminding myself, a lot, that I am clothed with dignity. And God gives me peace. Because He wants me to be secure.
